My Worth

by Helen written last 2009-04-20
Helen felt Better when this was written

It took me years to show my boyfriend my worth. Ever since we met, he was making the decisions for us. I admit I was the one who first approached him in a café. I gave him my number and it took him 2 weeks to call me. He’s an accountant in a shipping company. Needless to say, he’s always at work and he decides when we can go out. He never courted me. He didn’t have to. After just a few days of exclusively dating, I already told him I liked him. One month later, he asked me to live with him.

I’m an artist. I earn from my paintings. He doesn’t approve of this. He told me I needed to look for a more “decent-paying” job. He insists my earnings couldn’t help pay the bills. So, I temporarily gave up my hobby/work and applied as an office clerk. He was happy, I wasn’t. Everyday was hell for me. I file documents, call clients, and count paper clips. Not one bit of my work is artistic. But I know I had to stick with the plan (his plan).

One day, when I came home, he was fuming mad at me. He was ranting about the household chores I was supposed to be doing and my responsibilities being his partner. He expects me to rush home after work and cook us dinner. I also need to make a list of groceries and other things we need to buy so he can budget our money. We wants his dog fed 5 times daily and his plants watered before I leave for work. I couldn’t believe my ears! Does he love me or am I just needed to make his life easy?

For 3 years, I was a dutiful partner. I didn’t complain simply because I want our relationship to work. On the other hand, I was dying inside. Each time I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize myself anymore. Eventually, I realized I gave too much love and left nothing for myself. So, one morning I woke up and thought, I want to make my own decision again. Something I’ve never done since I met him. I packed my stuff and left without feeding his dog or watering his plants. I also resigned from my work and focused on painting again. Six months later, he showed on my doorsteps. He begged me to come back. I said, “No.” I told him I can no longer live the life he planned for me. He understood. He apologized for everything he did and didn’t do.

Up to now, he still calls me. Once in a while we go out. But this time, I get to decide when and where. I still love him but I want to make sure he’d realize my worth as a person, friend, lover and lifetime partner.